Q. I smoke cigars, but don't want my breath to smell like I smoke cigars. How can I get rid of cigar breath?
A. You can't. It doesn't matter how many times you click your heels together and wish, Dorothy, if you smoke cigars, you're going to smell like a cigar smoker. Get over it.
Q. What's the proper technique for lighting my cigar?
A. While there are countless variations on the theme, the general idea is this: Hold to face. Apply flame. Suck. Don't get all bogged down in details, focus on results. And don't worry about getting it wrong. The good news is that even a blind monkey with a learning disability has a 50% chance of igniting the correct end, so we're starting from a position of strength.
Q. I just bought a bunch of cigars but I don't have a humidor. What can I do to keep them fresh?
A. Go ahead and put them in a ziplock bag. That should keep them fresh for the two or three days it will take you to complete a course on project planning and scheduling.
Q. I'm sure it has been discussed here and probably some other places too, but I'm too lazy to do a search. Should I leave the cello on or take it off before putting my cigars in the humidor? What about before I smoke them?
A. If you are too lazy to do a web search you have far greater issues than I can help with and would clearly be better off in an assisted living facility. It's good that we found this out now before you starved. Just relax, try not to struggle, and the nice gentlemen in the white coats will take good care of you.
Q. What is the proper response to use in a restaurant/bar when someone asks you to stop smoking your cigar?
A. Ease your jacket back just enough to give them a glimpse of the butt of your pistol while squinting at them through a shimmering haze of cigar smoke. That seems to resolve the issue 99% of the time.
Q. Can I convert a refrigerator/china cabinet/blanket chest/closet into a humidor?
A. Sure, and you can also convert your family room into a garage. Go get 'em, tiger!
Q: When I'm smoking a cigar, should I inhale the smoke?
A. Well, from a practical perspective it's almost impossible not to, isn't it? I mean really. Unless you have like a Suck-O-Luxe 6000 mounted right over your head instantly hoovering all of the smoke away, or you are sitting in a lawn chair in a wind tunnel, the smoke is going to drift around you and the odds are pretty good that you're going to inhale some of it, right? The effort to not inhale some amount of smoke seems impractical in the extreme. Now if you're asking me if you should inhale the cigar like it was a cigarette, well you just go on ahead and try that one time, Skippy. Unless you're tougher than a two dollar steak, I don't think it's going to be a long term problem for you.
Q. Sometimes when I smoke a powerful cigar I get dizzy and nauseous. What causes that?
A. It's probably just a mild case of nicotine poisoning. On the other hand, it could be a symptom of a horrible tropical disease. If it goes away by itself after an hour or two, you'll probably be fine.
Q. I'm having a baby/getting married/having a bar mitzvah/starting a business, what is a good cigar to give out?
A. Occasions like these are the perfect reason to keep the bands from your good cigars. Put them on Consuegras and gift away. It's the same idea as when you take a handful of business cards from the "Win a Free Dinner" fishbowl on the counter at Denny's so you can hand them out later at the strip club.
Q. Can I bring Cuban cigars into the US even though the law clearly says I can't?
A. Sure, just tuck them in your suitcase with a couple of small bindles of heroin. Try not to sweat and glance furtively around the customs area while you're in line. Act cool.
Q. What will happen if I'm caught?
A. If you've tucked them in with the heroin as suggested, the Cuban cigars will be the least of your problems.
A. You can't. It doesn't matter how many times you click your heels together and wish, Dorothy, if you smoke cigars, you're going to smell like a cigar smoker. Get over it.
Q. What's the proper technique for lighting my cigar?
A. While there are countless variations on the theme, the general idea is this: Hold to face. Apply flame. Suck. Don't get all bogged down in details, focus on results. And don't worry about getting it wrong. The good news is that even a blind monkey with a learning disability has a 50% chance of igniting the correct end, so we're starting from a position of strength.
Q. I just bought a bunch of cigars but I don't have a humidor. What can I do to keep them fresh?
A. Go ahead and put them in a ziplock bag. That should keep them fresh for the two or three days it will take you to complete a course on project planning and scheduling.
Q. I'm sure it has been discussed here and probably some other places too, but I'm too lazy to do a search. Should I leave the cello on or take it off before putting my cigars in the humidor? What about before I smoke them?
A. If you are too lazy to do a web search you have far greater issues than I can help with and would clearly be better off in an assisted living facility. It's good that we found this out now before you starved. Just relax, try not to struggle, and the nice gentlemen in the white coats will take good care of you.
Q. What is the proper response to use in a restaurant/bar when someone asks you to stop smoking your cigar?
A. Ease your jacket back just enough to give them a glimpse of the butt of your pistol while squinting at them through a shimmering haze of cigar smoke. That seems to resolve the issue 99% of the time.
Q. Can I convert a refrigerator/china cabinet/blanket chest/closet into a humidor?
A. Sure, and you can also convert your family room into a garage. Go get 'em, tiger!
Q: When I'm smoking a cigar, should I inhale the smoke?
A. Well, from a practical perspective it's almost impossible not to, isn't it? I mean really. Unless you have like a Suck-O-Luxe 6000 mounted right over your head instantly hoovering all of the smoke away, or you are sitting in a lawn chair in a wind tunnel, the smoke is going to drift around you and the odds are pretty good that you're going to inhale some of it, right? The effort to not inhale some amount of smoke seems impractical in the extreme. Now if you're asking me if you should inhale the cigar like it was a cigarette, well you just go on ahead and try that one time, Skippy. Unless you're tougher than a two dollar steak, I don't think it's going to be a long term problem for you.
Q. Sometimes when I smoke a powerful cigar I get dizzy and nauseous. What causes that?
A. It's probably just a mild case of nicotine poisoning. On the other hand, it could be a symptom of a horrible tropical disease. If it goes away by itself after an hour or two, you'll probably be fine.
Q. I'm having a baby/getting married/having a bar mitzvah/starting a business, what is a good cigar to give out?
A. Occasions like these are the perfect reason to keep the bands from your good cigars. Put them on Consuegras and gift away. It's the same idea as when you take a handful of business cards from the "Win a Free Dinner" fishbowl on the counter at Denny's so you can hand them out later at the strip club.
Q. Can I bring Cuban cigars into the US even though the law clearly says I can't?
A. Sure, just tuck them in your suitcase with a couple of small bindles of heroin. Try not to sweat and glance furtively around the customs area while you're in line. Act cool.
Q. What will happen if I'm caught?
A. If you've tucked them in with the heroin as suggested, the Cuban cigars will be the least of your problems.
