Chicken Contest...

R

RedBaron

Lowland Gorilla
So due to me hitting 500 RG (3x) and the fact I acted like a real jerk yesterday, I decided today to have a little contest. Since I acted like an A-hole, the prize will be an Opus X "A" in a coffin, plus I throw in some assorted sticks.

Now to the meat an potatoes. The contest is as follows: The funniest joke dealing with chickens. (i.e. Why did the chicken cross the road?)
You can post as many as you want per day. I will let the contest run from right now (4:41EST 8/1/07) till Sunday 8/5 @ 7pm EST.

The harder we all laugh, the better!

Lets' get it on!!

:chk
 
Awesome contest! Thanks! Here's my joke:

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken.” The doctor says, “Why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “We would. But we need the eggs.”

:D
 
A Lion, a Tiger and a Chicken sat around discussing who was the hardest. The Tiger says when I roar all the animals run and hide. The Lion says huh, when I roar all the animals quake with fear. The Chicken says thats nothing, when I cough the whole world shits itself.

:chk
 
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Oh yeah chicken jokes :chk


Farmer John Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY. That really sped them up.
So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers.." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

"NUDIST COLONY"


Go slow and watch out for the chicks
 
A guy goes out and buys a parrot cause it can talk. When he gets it home it starts swearing like crazy and won't stop! After days and days of this he gets so frustrated he takes the parrot and shoves it in the freezer. A few minutes later he hears a knock from inside the freezer, when he opens it the parrot says

"My apologies sir, I assure you that you shall hear no more foul utterances from me!"
So the guy says "That's awesome!! Thank you!!"
To which the parrot replies "No problem sir, but can I ask you a question? What did the chicken do?"
 
Thanks for the contest.. here's number 2.


2 chidren both in 3rd grade ate chicken sandwiches everday for lunch.
Halfway through the year both children recognized this similarity and became friends. They were friends up until 6th grade when one day the little girl all of a sudden stopped eating chicken sandwiches. The boy confronted her and said why are you not eating chicken sandwiches. I am not going to be your friend any more.

The girl replies" i had to", " I started to grow feathers down there". The little boy said let me see. The little girl pulled down her pants and showed him the little boy quickly said yeah you better stop. The little boy and girl remained friends. The boy ate chicken and the girl ate what ever. Then one day the little boy stopped eating chicken sandwiches as well. The little girl wondered why and asked him. The little boy replied "I started to grow hair down there as well." The little girl said "Let me see." The little boy showed her. She said, "Its too late you already have the neck and gauld to."

:chk
 
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Why don’t chickens wear underwear??

Because thier peckers are on thier faces!!

:chk
 
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Cool contest. My first one.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!":chk
 
Joke # 2 for me


Coincidence A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"
" I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
 
What happens when a chicken eats gunpowder? She lays a hand gren-egg.

What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg? The bombshell.

What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg? It egg-splodes.

:chk
 
Joke # 3


Chicken Little One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy S**t! A talking chicken!'"
 
What happened when the hen ate cement? She laid a sidewalk.

What do chickens serve at birthday parties? Coop-cakes!

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An eggroll.

Why did the chicken disappoint his mother? He wasn't what he was cracked up to be.

Why did the rooster file for divorce? He was tired of being hen-pecked.

Is chicken soup good for your health? Not if you're the chicken.

What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon? They go on peck-nics!

Why did the chicken cross the road halfway? She wanted to lay it on the line.

Which day of the week do chickens hate most? Fry-day.

What do you call a chicken with a disability? Hendicapped.

What do call a chicken who got too close to a nuclear plant? Atomic cluck.

Why did the rooster stay outside dring the blizzard? It was 'fowl' weather.

Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order? Attila the Hen.

Why did the chicken cross the playground? It wanted to get to the other slide.

Why did the chicken cross the internet? It wanted to get to the other site.

What do you call a rooster who wakes you up? An alarm cluck.

What does an alarm cluck say? Tick-tock-a-doodle-doo!

What do you call a crazy chicken? A cuckoo clock.

Why is it easy for chicks to talk? Because talk is cheep.

What do chickens grow on? Eggplants.

Why did the rooster run away? He was chicken.

Why don't chickens like people? Because we beat eggs.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck? A bird that lays down.

Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off.

What happened to the chicken whose feathers pointed the wrong way? She was tickled to death.

Why did the chicken cross the road? She wanted to see a man lay a brick.

What does a chicken wipe his beak with? A henkerchief.

What time do chickens go to lunch? Twelve o cluck.

Why did the chicken cross the state line? To get out of Kentucky.

Which religious man do chickens fear most? The friar.

How do you know when a chicken is under arrest? She's wearing hencuffs.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken.

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the referee calling fowls.

Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road? Because he didn't have enough guts.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens hadn't evolved yet.

Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station.

Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the udder side.

How long do chickens work? Around the cluck.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done.

Why did the chicken end up in the soup? Because it ran out of cluck.

Why did the cow cross the road? To go to the moooooovies.

What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy? You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bell? A bird that has to ring its own neck.

What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog? Pooched eggs.

Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air? Because eggs were going up.

How do chickens dance? Chick to chick.

Which dance will a chicken not do? The foxtrot.

Why did the Roman chicken cross the road? Because she was afraid someone would caesar!

Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice? Because he was a dirty double crosser.

What do you call a joke book for chickens? A yolk book.

Why did the rooster cross the road? To cockadoodle dooo something.

Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken.

What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken? He kicked the bucket.

What do you get from a drunk chicken? Scotch eggs!

Why does a rooster watch TV? For hentertainment.

How do you stop a rooster from crowing on Sunday? Eat him on Saturday!

What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange? Dad, dad, look what marma-laid!

:chk:chk:chk:chk:chk
 
Best one I could find...sorry if it offends anybody...:chk

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says

"OK, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"


The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you,"

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"


So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?

The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you,"


They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.


The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.

He shakes his head gloomily and says, "Son of a bitch...third gay rooster I bought this week!"
 
Here's an oldy, but a goody!

Farmer John needed a new rooster to service his hens. His buddy Bill said he had the horniest rooster in the world and frankly needed to let him go. He warned Farmer John that "Randy" the Rooster was a maniac. Farmer John said he had more chickens than "Randy" the Rooster could handle. Bill said, don't worry "Randy" probably won't stop with the Hens.

Farmer John took "Randy" back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: “Randy,” he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a one cock-a-doodle-doo, Randy was all over the Hens.

Randy was all over the hens. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Randy had finished having his way with each hen, and he didn't stop there.

Randyy went after the pigs, the donkey, a few dogs, the Barn cats, a random snake running through the yard, a few wayward pheasants, a few of the draught horses, and one toad. Farmer John tried to catch Randy and screamed for him to stop before he killed himself - or maybe one of the horses. John finally gave up and there was much squawking and howling through the night. John was pretty sure Randy got a coyote or two.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Randy saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.”

“Shhhhhhh,” Randy whispered, “Them buzzard’s are getting closer.”
 
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help![/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z3 series BMW.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse![/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life![/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thingie" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]The moral of the story? [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks. [/FONT]
 
A farmer had a henhouse but the hens were not producing any fertile eggs. One day while having a drink at the local bar he was expressing his woes to a fellow passing through town.

The stranger told him "I just happen to have the answer to your problems". The farmer asked about it and the guy says "I have a rooster named Brewster, and I will sell him to you for $100".

The farmer thought awhile a nd then handed the man his money and they went out and got Brewster.

For the next several weeks all was well. The hens were laying the most fertile eggs ever and the farmer was pleased.

After a while the farmer found several hens dead on the count of Brewsters amorous ways so the farmer had to decide, Brewster or the hens.

As much as it pained him he decided Brewster must go. He found a buyer and went home to get the rooster. He searched the hen-house and could not find him. Almost in a panic he noticed some buzzards flying over a field. "Oh no" says the farmer, thinking Brewster's amorous ways had gotten the best of him.

He runs out toward the field yelling for Brewster the whole way.
When he gets closer he sees the rooster laying in the field belly-up.
The farmer lets out a loud wail and starts crying.
About the time Brewster looks over and says quietly "shhh, they are about to land".:D
 
khubli said:
What happens when a chicken eats gunpowder? She lays a hand gren-egg.

What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg? The bombshell.

What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg? It egg-splodes.

:chk
Click to expand...

Q: What do soldiers call powdered eggs?
A: Gut-bombs.

(cackle...)
 
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