My morning drive with the maniac mothers

S

sames

ChestBeater
Every morning at around 7:30, I leave for school. Mornings for some can mean irritability and frustration, and they once did for me. I know longer feel this way due to my technique of "working" with other drivers on the road.


I must pass a total of 3 schools in order to get to my college. Sure sure sure, school zones get annoying but that is the least of my issues with them. While I am driving in the areas surrounding the school zones I must deal with the mothers in minivans, aka death on wheels. Nothing makes for a greater start to the day than getting tailgated by a mother in a minivan while taking her kids to these schools. It is a melee of mothers rushing to take there kids to the compounds and release them, only to have 7 hours with little to do in the meantime, yet they feel the need to tailgate me as if it is going to save them so much time.

Stop and think for a second. Tailgating someone on a one lane road, who is already going 5 mph over the speed limit. When was the last time this method truly got you to where you needed to go, in a much shorter amount of time? Never! I have found some methods of dealing with these mothers though, which not only prove to be entertaining to myself, but makes my arch nemesis only that much more angry.

First method is the my most common. This is the, "So your going to tailgate me? Thats fine, let me just go from 5 over, to 5 under." Not only does this get the minivan crusaders even more frustrated, it gives me the personal satisfaction of watching them cringe in my rearview mirror.

Another way I like to get even with the tailgating mamas is to let them pass me, then tailgate them for a few minutes. Unfortunately I do not seem to get the same reaction out of them always, but a minute or so of tailgating them can sometimes earn me a scream or middle finger.

The last method i do is the one that is bound to make the maniac mothers mad. This is one I typically reserve for the worst of the worst, but first a little preface. The schools are typically off of main streets, with a lot of houses nearby. There are many housing developments as well, which make for great fun when acting on this method. Ok, now back to the torture. When I see these mothers tailgating me, I will slow down to read the name of each street, as if I was lost. I will go from a smooth 35, to gentle 20 or so. Not only does this technique look like I am actually lost, it infuriates the hell out of them. To look back and see the middle finger brings ultimate satisfaction knowing that this mother, who was once tailgating me is now forced to slow down brings a smile to my face.

The drive to work or school does not always have to be a bad experience by any means. Play with the other drivers, develop some techniques of your own and start getting even. :tu
 
Do yourself a favor and drop by the golf driving range on the way home from school. For a few bucks you can buy a big basket of range balls to keep on the passenger seat. They're cheap enough that you won't feel at all bad lofting a handful through the sunroof at the slightest provocation.
 
My favorite thing to do is travel really slow up to a traffic light and stop at a grenn light with my left blinker on. The waiting for the light to turn yellow and then pull through the light and watch the mother behind me go utterly bezerk. If someone shoots me the bird I usually gently blow the horn, wave, and smile broadly at them. It dives them nuts becasue they immagine that they know me from somewhere. I really enjoy life!
 
I usually end up giving them the bird. They can't drive worth shit. What I usually do is the ol' brake check on them when they're tailing me, that usually makes them back up. Golf ball idea is genius though haha
 
I hate to give you a negative comment since this is a competition and we are both in it, but I have to say a couple of things.
First of all, you are assuming a lot when you say that these mothers have nothing else to do for the next seven hours. Some of them(in this day and age probably most of them) have jobs outside of the home that they must get to after dropping the kids.
Second, the golf ball idea is a bad one. Throwing something at or into another moving car can cause a distraction and lead to accidents. Not a good idea, especially when children are present.

I realize the post is satirical in nature but I wouldn't want to someone to think it was such a great idea and start stocking up on golfballs. Road rage is such a serious problem in the state where I live, it makes me cringe.
 
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I understand your traffic frustration -- hell ... try dealing with Atlanta drivers sometime; worse yet, Atlanta-raised UGA students around campus in their SUVs. :)

Buuuuuuut, do you really think that mothers have little to do between the time they drop their kids off and pick them up in the afternoon? Run your hypothesis by a mom sometime and see what she says....
 
I am sorry that I made a generalization but i can say that I have seen these mothers come to work out at in my schools gym throughout the day. I realize that not all mothers loaf around all day and some work. Sorry I made it sound like I was grouping them, in a way i did.

Also, the area of these schools is very upperclass. Hence why it might be out of the ordinary when it comes to the mothers working.

Good luck in the contest :tu
 
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What I like to do when someone throws golf balls at my truck is to get out and beat them like a rented mule. But hey, that's me. ;)
 
Most folks who are tailgating will be too busy putting on makeup, changing the radio station and texting their BFF to see where the golf balls came from.
 
This type of thing drives me LOCO! I can't stand when I am driving perfectly normally (which is usually a good bit over the speed limit) and I have someone trying to rush me for no good reason. I often wish I had time to just follow them where they are going and give them a piece of my mind, and a piece of my fist (if its a man).... but I just stop and say to myself.... "gooosfraba."
 
I also do the slow down to an unreasonably slow speed. Tailgate me and now we go slower. Also when someone flips me the bird, or they just do some screwball thing while driving, I give them a thumbs up or the A-OK sign and smile. I like the sarcastic response because they are not sure how to react to that. They expect to see a finger.
 
All I have to say in this regard to everyone who says im doing speed limit. The left hand lane is for passing. IF you are not in the process of passing the slow person in the right lane. Please make it so that you are not impeding traffic by deliberately going slow in the left land you are the one causing a traffic hiccup.
 
I know this is old but god it's funny as hell. I also am a big fan of the slowing way down and letting them deal with it, although on I-95, I found that some people (and yes, it has always been a woman driver in a mini-van with a soccer sticker on the back that i'm sure teaches her child to never retaliate with violence) will pass, then SLAM on brakes in front of you in 70 mph traffic just because they're psycho. Aside from that I've also used the looking at street signs and it's definately my personal favorite. I admit I never speed (after totalling a car by hitting a tree I figure hey why speed), so I guess that can become frustrating for some people, but it is indeed all women that do the tailgating thing in my experience. Who knows... maybe they feel like they have to get there 30 seconds earlier than I do, or show the big ego... either way it's dangerous and foolish.
 
Oh and one other favorite of mine... slowing waaaaay down (not below 35 of course) to like dump ice or soda or whatever out of a cup, just so they start looking at me like "what the hell is this guy doing" and it really drives them crazy... also slowing down and throwing my cigarette butts out strategically to hit their windshield is always a tasty option.
 
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